Wednesday, August 20, 2008


ive been way too good at ruining days lately...
i dont mean to

im not a jerk

sorry if i come across as one sometimes

if i just listen to you overreact and dont say anything 
you continue to let it ruin your day...

but then i try to tell you to shake it off
and i ruin your day anyways simply because i said something

maybe i should just let you sink down... 

(and to you... this isnt about some little situation with cleaning something up...)

thats just a small glimpse of what continues to happen on a deeper level.
and im sick of it 
and i dont know what to do....

I want to be led.
I want wisdom, not confusion.
I want to talk when I'm supposed to
and shut up when im supposed to...
this has got to get dealt with...
and then when I'm upset, it seems to upset everyone...

people say Ive got to really learn that I am not always right,
sure i know that I cant always be right, no one can, but I want to see when I am not right.
because usually when people say
"you think your always right" i rarely see where i was wrong...
thus i just feel attacked... and like they see something i don't and im never shown where im wrong... ignorance is not always bliss.
I know im not always right but I refuse to believe I am always wrong...

Will someone just show me? 
without attacking me? ahhh.... the connection... 
I had that and then got the worse attack by that relationship coming to a sudden stop.
I finally found someone who had the guts to flat out call me out when I was wrong...
I could be extremely excited about something I thought was right and he would look me in the eye and say your wrong, heres why... or at least here is what u can do.
And in that time i grew more and faster than ever...
and even tho hearing your wrong WITH being shown why initially stings, its a lot less painful than all this other crap.
but now he is gone.

thats why this hurts so bad. 
and thats why i was drawn to him. cuz i want to be cut 
and not always just be shown whats right.
and ya know what? he did care.
i know he did. he showed me. 

but then his lack of integrity led him in to a downward spiral 
where now it looks like he couldnt care less. 
because his focus is just off...
i still believe in him. 
i dont care what anyone says.
i cant just disconnect myself...
i say bye, but i dont wanna say that.
he did too much for me and so many others...
i dont want closure... 
i want to see him restored and renewed.
I believe it. 
Thats my calling. 
The one that he helped me tap into.

I dont know what to do,
but my eyes are on You.

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