Friday, November 13, 2009


I come today with a new honesty. Really, I almost named this blog "a new honesty." but i'm just so set on this one word title thing.... anyways.
I've been in Good Hope, GA since last Sunday with little two year old Bella while her family is on the Israel trip with Dr. Lowery. I was greatly urged to take advantage of this 2 weeks by some awesome friends. My response every time this was said to me was, "don't worry, I will."

I wanted to get here and pray and read the Word and read books and do some writing while of course taking great care of Bella.

Well, week one has come to a close, and its looked nothing like I expected. I don't really guess I am surprised by this, what in my life has looked like I expected it to?

Although, as I reflect on this past week, I don't feel like I have been entirely unproductive, I mean, I guess I've learned some things, but overall... I'll be honest (hence the title), I haven't really written, or read much- books or the Bible, nor have I spent much time in prayer.

Now don't get me wrong, I live consistently aware of the Lord and don't know how to not think about Him, but I'm fighting for focus right now. And probably really not fighting, moreso just using the battle as an excuse to sit w/o doing much of anything.

I can't really tell you what I have filled my time with. I haven't done anything wrong, but instead I've simply not done. Sins of omission are my issue, not sins of commission.

Yet, here's where my struggle lies. I refuse to enter into a place of striving that causes confusion. I don't want to be Martha. I want to be Mary and sit at His feet. Yet I recognize that right now, I'm just sitting.

I guess it kind of feels like this:

I'm in a room, just me and Him, but instead of being so close, at His feet, I'm on the opposite side sitting in a chair, hearing Him beckon me and with everything with me wanting to come to Him. But it feels like theres a stack or a wall as high as the ceiling of stuff between He and I. I can still hear Him, I can see Him a little through the cracks between the stuff and I want with everything in me to get over there, I just don't know how. The thought of breaking through that wall tires me out. I'll explain why.

Sometimes His voice is hard to hear because some stuff in the pile makes noise and I can't really make out what He is saying. Other times, the room is just silent. Thankfully I can see Him through the cracks.

Sometimes I sit and make a list of all the ways I'm gonna start tackling this pile, but the moment I get out of my chair and approach it, I fall asleep. Trust me! With everything in me I don't want to fall asleep. So I end up falling down on the hard floor taking a nap. Then I get up sore and go sit back in my chair attempting to regain enough strength to walk over to that stack again.

Sometimes I decide that I'm gonna look at everything and see if I can figure out how to make it leave, then I notice my eyes are on the stuff again and not on Him. So I find a crack and gaze.

Sometimes I walk over to the pile and pick up a book, trying to find a paragraph, a sentence, a word- some kind of solution for all of this and then everything starts being so loud again, to where even the best scholars couldn't concentrate. So I wander back over to my silent chair and sit-staring through the cracks to make sure He is still there.

Of course, I always know that He will be, He's never left me or forsaken me.

Sometimes friends come and stand next to me and talk- I love it, they encourage me and give me strength and sometimes don't say a word. They just stand there and gaze at Him with me. I often wish that they in their strength could help me rid the room of the stack, but they don't seem to know how to get rid of it either. Either that, or they are pretty confident they know how, but they leave without touching it. Sometimes I think He doesn't let them. Others, I don't think they see it. And some, they see it just like I do- and they hate it just as much as me, but they don't know the answer either. So they comfort me with their hugs and step out.

Sometimes, the room is flooded, on both sides and on top of the stack with people worshipping. Some are even in the middle of it, its almost like they and the stuff are in the exact same spot. I can't get to those places though, because of that pile, the pile that isn't even there for some of them. When the room is full, those are the times when the top part of the stack kind of falls over onto my side and makes a bit of a ramp. In those moments I can run up and dance on top, seeing Him like I only get to in these moments. In these times, I hear and see so clearly. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in His eyes and the joy of everyone around, that I become almost certain its gone. Then, they leave and its like one of those blowy, noise maker, party things- its sticks straight out when you blow into it and rolls right back up the moment you quit.(unless you have one of the ghetto ones like at Christina's party, but thats beside the point and does not work for my illustration...) Anyways, when they leave, the ramp rolls right back up and I slide down and plop down in my chair again. Now sometimes the Ramp rolls up slowly, but needless to say, it ALWAYS rolls back up. Why? Heck if I know, I don't even know why the whole thing is there in the first place. I can't even tell you what all the stuff is- its just stuff.
THAT is the very reason that I never want to stop. I'd love to see revival hit where we just stay in a consistent flow, and people don't ever leave that room, so that I don't have to worry about the wall.

At least I'm in the room with Him, I'm honored that He would continue to be with me, and to beckon me, I just wish I knew how to get over there or stay on top I guess I just realized something. I suppose I have been on top of the stack where I can see clearly and hear clearly and dance with absolute freedom, but I don't guess I've ever made back down onto His side where I can sit with Him. Maybe I've never tasted freedom in its truest sense. Maybe all February 26,2007 (the day I was freed from confusion) did was unclog all the holes so I could see through the cracks.

So, what to do?

I know, I know, "prayer and fasting and seeking."
Or the other answer, "you don't have to do anything!"

So which is it?
A healthy balance? Maybe. I don't know, but I wish someone would help me achieve that, or tell me how to not do anything and still be doing those things, or get rid of the stack for me, or tell me how to get over there, tell me how to get entirely rid of the big wall of stuff, or...... just something.

A lot of people would just get too frustrated and walk out of the room completely complaining that its just too hard, but I would never, could never, will never, ever, ever do that.
Because He has ravished my heart. His compassion and love overwhelms me. I'm madly in love with Him and He with me. I will never ever leave this room. He and I both know that.

I'm so close to Him, but I won't stop. I must get to His feet on the other side of this thing.

With tears welling up in my eyes, I'm asking, will you help? Even if you don't know how, maybe at least now you will be aware.
I need you desperately.