Monday, February 2, 2009

confession.

all the time in the world to sleep
yet im so tired

i dont want to sleep
i want to do something
yet its so hard to do anything right now

i dont know how to do this right now
its like i dont even have the energy to come to the one who can give me rest

i need joy
im done with saying I am great
then the next minute feeling no so great

i am excited about being away from everyone. 
because then there is no one to ask me what I am doing. I get that question too many times, every single day. 

and then theres talking about 'the situation.'- just so you all know, I have more peace about that than anything else in life right now. I am not frustrated, or the least upset or angry about it. That whole thing has God all over it. Duh the situation was not of God, but He does not waste our pain or our mistakes. The only thing that even remotely bothers me about that whole thing, is facing judgemental people who do not know the heart of that family... anyways moving on. 

I just dont know
overall, i mean life is great, i have great friends, great family, 2 great churches to call home, great stuff, a great relationship with the King of the Universe
yet 
i am  
not 
okay. 

I'll admit it. 
I am weak.
I am not disciplined at all right now.
I am not using time wisely. 
I am frustrated. 
I need help.
I need my community. 
Yet I feel so distant from every community I have ever been a part of.
I want to commit, yet I refuse to jump into something that I don't feel released to do. 
I want direction, and want to plug in and connect somewhere right now more than any of you can imagine. 
Its not as easy as just choosing something. If only you knew what happens on the inside of me the moment I consider doing anything right now.
Nor is it easy to wait. too much time makes my already crazy mind go crazier.
I need help. I just want consistency. somewhere.
no thats not all I want. 
I just have to know. thats all. I want to know.
yes. I want to know what I am doing is right. whatever that is. and God knows I am open.

I know what I "need" to do with this time
I dont need that from anyone, my head is enough.

I know the "answers"
trust. wait. have patience. pray. ask God. read the word. connect somewhere. find someway to occupy your time. pray more. read the word more. discipline yourself. yet dont strive. declare the word over yourself. speak positively. read this book and that one. and on and on. i know. 

and I know all the scriptures about the peace of God, and trusting God and waiting on Him, and resting and burdens and all of that.

Yes I believe it all. but no I am not walking in it right now. yet I am. all at the same time. I'm well past the point of no return, so its not like I am sinking down, I am just weak.

I need you.
to pick me up
and carry me
and protect me
and dont let the enemy continue to do this to me
and, well, i dont even know. 
I just cant continue on like this. 

sure I can "continue on"
as i said, i am not sinking down, 
i will live life, and go to church and talk to people like normal
but i just at least need you to know whats going on, on the inside. 

i dont know how to tell u to help.  or what to tell you to do. other than pray. i guess that is all anyone really can do right now. and i just need you to know that i need you. whoever you are. and whatever that means.

1 comment:

Michael said...

Dear Manda:
Believe it, there are people out here who do love you.. who are listening, even if they don't have answers.. which I don't even pretend to have. You just need to know that there some of us "out here" that are affected by you.. whether you are active, passive, doing something or nothing at all.. you are an example of the constant struggle to reach higher, beyond yourself. Thanks for being you.. for sharing from an honest, open heart. You are so inspiring.. refreshing and much loved Amanda Fisher!
Michael