Tuesday, December 2, 2008


[this is one of probably several long blogs that I am going to be writing over the next while and potentially eventually compiling and sorting through and rearranging and adding to etc... its more for me right now... to just process, well, me. I'm discovering who I am and how I got here. My confidence in who I am in Christ is strengthening every day. this is just a way for me to sort out my thoughts. right now they are scattered, but it all comes back around....Join me in this journey and read along if you wish]

I've always been the kinda kid that has to know why stuff is the way it is...

I never remember believing in Santa, but never felt like I missed out- I actually quite enjoyed feeling like I knew this secret that I wasn't supposed to know.

In math class, I couldn't be okay with the fact that pi was 3.14 and so on and why this symbol meant you were supposed to do this or that, I had to know why... I think that's why word problems and geometry were the only tolerable math  for me. With those I knew how they worked, thus could function just fine.

This also probably explains my computer skills. If any of you have ever asked me a computer question, you know that I either know it right away, or mess around until I figure it out. In my head there has to be a way it functions that way and once I know, I'm good.

As a kid, I was always sure to ask my parents why about everything, especially if I was in trouble. It wasn't that I was so upset of the fact that I was in trouble, but if I was, there better be a good reason.
BECAUSE I SAID SO. omg. I hated that more than anything.... well if you said so, WHY did you say so? There MUST be some reason behind it...

I was definitely not the easiest child to raise. I've always been very strong willed, wanting explanations for everything and not afraid to say anything. Although there was definitely some rebellion in my childhood that was dealt with later on, in many cases my strong-willed nature was not so much rebellion but rather a curiosity of what was really true and worth giving my attention to. Little did I know that this curiosity would be the story of my life fleshed out in a different way- a passionate dig for truth. Just explain to me why you're telling me to do this and not this and I will be glad to comply. Now I'm not justifying my actions as a kid and I learned later on that doing what I am told to do without or regardless of explanation was truly obedience, but I was so determined to figure things out, that it often looked like rebellion. Some of it indeed was, but fortunately my parents were able to help steer my strong willed nature in the right direction. Its interesting that my Grandfather was one of the first to vocalize that it could be good if steered correctly...

As a kid, I used to think that one day, just like Santa with most kids, adults were going to walk up to me and tell me that none of this whole God thing was true. Even with family and church family of all ages that went after the Lord, that was still a question in my mind from time to time.  I chose to follow the Lord, but in moments I definitely stepped around cautiously watching intently everyone and everything for any sight of falsehood.

Deep inside there was such a longing to discover the truth of this whole God thing. If it was real, all of it must be real. If God was fake, then I better find out.

As I began to search this out, I discovered more and more that it was true, then I would get excited to see verses and principles that completely explained my actions, thoughts and feelings. I would hear something and remember it and either test it out for myself, or at least watch intently to see if it played out in someone else's life. There has always been so much joy in confirmation, and as many of you know, the Lord has filled my life with it.

Of course, its not like if you hear something from scripture one time, it all makes sense and you can immediately walk in it, but rather we get to partake of the joy that comes when we really GET something.

I remember when I really GOT that I needed to obey my parents. I had heard it a lot, a WHOLE lot actually,  but I had to be convinced that there was a reason for submission. Once I was REALLY convinced that my God was real and His promises were true, I realized that my obedience would please the Lord.

That became my motivation. The more I discovered the beauty of the Lord, the more I wanted to please Him. I later realized that the more I please Him, the more blessings and favor I received.  Now, that definitely didn't fix it all with my parents, but instead of not caring that I was in trouble, it began to break my heart because I knew I had disobeyed not only my parents, but my perfect, all-deserving God.

I think my parents can attest to the fact that the more I began to seek the Lord, the less I disobeyed. Now Its not like my tongue and actions were immediately controlled once I truly believed in the Lord, but at least I had a heart to WANT to obey.

I cry when I'm mad, but honestly I think that is rooted in my hatred of disunity. Especially with certain people, If I'm mad, I just walk away.... That whole "be angry and sin not" thing is not always the easiest thing to go by, so I tend to just walk away for the time being.

I do good when I'm alone when I am upset or mad. I have a solid foundation. I know what I believe and where I stand on things. So sometimes I just need to get away from people to get my mind focused on what I know.

On the other hand... I'm also learning the absolute necessity of being with people. I don't know about everyone else, but for me, being with people is what keeps me sane. My mind goes all over the place when I have too much time to think. I try to figure out how to make everything work instead of just living life. When I am with people, I can just function exactly as I am supposed to without trying. Guess its that whole concept of the body... they cover my shortcomings and I cover theirs, even when we don't realize it. It just works.

Of course, all of that once again is the scripture just playing out before my eyes. You see, thats what I love. In the good or the bad, I can always have the joy, peace and comfort of knowing that everything goes back to His word. There is no denying it. I experience it more and more each day.

There is so much beauty in intimacy with the Lord. Praying without ceasing is my delight. I have a constant awareness that He is right here with me. Is it lonely sometimes? In the natural, absolutely. But in the spirit, no way. I feel a tighter embrace every day. And besides, the spirit is more real anyways. I've known that but I'm finally discovering it for myself.

Right now, this growing intimacy is burning inside of me. My passion and desire to see His presence infiltrate lives including my own is consuming. My spirit churns inside of me, longing for greater intimacy with my oh so intimate savior.  Its that same concept of praying for rain in the time of rain.

As a kid, if your parents give you something you don't normally get, what do you say? "Can I have more?" To which parents usually say something like, "if I give you an inch, you take a mile!"

Heres just one more reason why I think the Lord tells us that the kingdom of heaven is likened to a little child. This is His desire for us. When He gives us any part of Himself, He wants us to keep coming back for more.  I believe that the behavior of kids is often such a clear picture of the Kingdom if we open our eyes to it.

You ever notice that babies are so fascinated with light? No mistake.

I remember the day that I really GOT the concept of Psalms 22:3, that God inhabits the praises of His people. I had heard that but I remember when it clicked. In church services and other atmospheres, I  began to notice more and more that as I and other people pressed in to God, that His presence was stronger than before and that He would begin to move. Well I also had heard people say that its nothing You do that makes God come. When I was in Ireland in 2007, I discovered thats not the case. Now of course none of us deserve God's presence and thus we can't make Him visit us, however, He does go by His own Word- He IS the Word. If we praise, He will inhabit! We were in a really powerful service in Ireland where each member on the team was functioning in their role and many lives were changed. Before the service that night, in the girls room, we began to have an overwhelming hunger for the Lord. We prayed and focused on Him there, and then once we got in the service we all praised and God showed up. I then was questioning why He showed up so strong. I didn't want to say it was because of us, because I knew it wasn't but at the same time I knew it was no mistake that He showed up so strong on the night we were so focused on Him. Then that verse came to mind and I was overwhelmed. I had heard that over and over, but this time I got it. From then on, that concept changed the way I worshipped and affected how I thought of my God.
There is always more.

O God, how I long for more of You! This burning is all consuming, yet feels so contained. God let the fire of your spirit spread throughout Your body, Your beautiful bride. God fill our churches, our homes, our schools, our workplaces and our streets. God anywhere and everywhere we are, make us aware of Your presence in that place. Fill our hearts with joy and strength to get through this season which the world sees as lack. Make this a season of increase for us and let us discover the freedom of trusting and obeying You. God stoke the fire inside our already burning hearts until the fire has no choice but to consume us and spread out. Let us see salvations, miracles, and opportunities to express Your love without even trying to get there. Let the passion inside of us drive us to Your eyes.

God, my song to You will never lose its power. I mean it more and more every time.

1 comment:

Ariel Havanah said...

YES!! I had to read that part about the child a few times. I can just hear Jesus saying "take the mile!" :D