[a gust of wind in our sails.]
In a simple facebook message to him after reading it, I realized the magnitude of my own reflections on his reflections and thus- I blog.
First, even if you know me, and quite possibly even if you know me well, there's something most of you probably don't know. Here lately, I've been on an intense journey of what I have referred to as "learning to walk again." Within this season has been some of the deepest pain, disappointment, and loneliness I have ever felt. At the same time, its been growth, discovery, and hints of some of the greatest joy, peace, and glory I've ever known. Before this, was a crazier season. It was the negative emotions I mentioned on top of what felt like spiritual and even mental paralysis. In that season I had two separate worlds-
World #1 was in public; where I functioned mostly normal- seeking God, dreaming with people, and enjoying life. (Normal except for the times when the effects of world #2 eeked into world #1- some people could tell when this happened, many others were oblivious).
And then there was World #2. This was when I was alone. Torment, tears, anger, frustration and confusion were the norm. I ALWAYS knew World #1 was who I really am and it angered me beyond belief that this "other world" was even present.
Through prayer with a close friend several months ago in a time where World #2 was clearly eeking into World #1, what I always thought deep down became made known. World #2 that I dealt with for so long was not self-inflicted as I had grown to believe- instead, it was a deliberate attack from the enemy. Satan's tactics were exposed and my friend and I went to war- it was painful, ugly, nasty, and very real. However, the good thing is, because my God is a warrior, victory was inevitable.
Several months on the other side of the month-long war process, victory everyday still has to be something I choose. Learning to walk again, even when it feels like I'm on eggshells, is a process I'm committed to-not because I have some kind of crazy dogged determination, but rather because I have an astoundingly gracious and loving God who refuses to give up on me. I love how I heard it said recently by a wonderfully wise friend, "Every time I go to quit, this guy Jesus gets in the way."
Okay so that was not what I actually came over here to blog about... but whatever. I guess thats my backstory.
Here's what I meant to blog:
In the past couple days this phrase has come to my mind over and over again.
"Just keep moving."
Whether its God's voice, or Him simply bringing it to my mind, (and I am no longer afraid to say I don't know), I cannot deny His involvement. In reading Clark's blog I recognized that this little phrase has been "[a strategic gust of wind in my sails.]"
Keep in mind, less than an hour before I started reading the blog, I put up this FB status:
As I read about that initial journey of Clark, Jerry, and Lindsey I thought to myself, "what was I doing at that exact time?"
Then I realized... O. Right. I was sleeping in my cozy bed, in my intact house, with power.
So I asked myself, "okay, so what about once I woke up?"
I scrolled through old texts and facebook posts to try and remember. What I found and recalled was very sobering. Here was my day on Thursday, April 28, 2011:
It was the day off before finals at Lee. I slept in, probably late. I don't remember what I did right when I got up, but I'm sure it was not very productive...it was my day off right? I do remember later looking through facebook at pictures and statuses and having a true sense of pride for my community:
I was overwhelmed by how much Cleveland was fulfilling God's mandate to "be a hub of revival for the nations." (This quote is part of a prophecy given over this city way back in the 50's- and playing my role in seeing it come to pass, is what I've given my life to.)
Lets see... That was 1:38pm- after that, I can't remember what I did until several hours later when I was roaming around at Target. I came across a discounted phone cover that I purchased. While still at Target, I noticed a missed call on my phone. I realized then, that I had forgotten that I had told the Stone family I would come babysit! BAD, I know. I rushed over to their house and watched the beautiful kiddos for a while. End of Day.
Reading the blog and reflecting on what I did that day made me realize that while Clark, Jerry, Lindsey and all the many volunteers were assembling, I was chilling out at home, and then running around doing my selfish errands, with absolutely no sense of urgency or focus.
Hmmm... I really DO need that status I posted tonight to become reality in my life- and April 28th for me epitomized it!
Clark's prayer in his blog was this:
Well, his prayer was answered in me tonight. I did discover that their sails were set. I also discovered that mine weren't.
Sure, in the days following I did do some stuff with relief efforts, but what if everyone took a few days to realize the urgency of the need? What if Clark, Jerry and Lindsey hadn't set their sails? Or what if they had tried to come up with all this on their own? The fact is that yes, this movement WAS supernatural. God was at work supernaturally through focused, willing people. Nope, its not about these guys or any other volunteers, but they know that too, that's why God chose their sails to breath His wind upon.
So now, I set my sails.
Thanks Clark for writing out the story and for praying a simple prayer.
Thanks Jerry for saying yes- and all that that entails.
And thanks Lindsey for carrying a joy thats positioning you to shake nations.
My sails are set- Lets go.
